How to Stop Self-Helping Yourself Into Oblivion

Time to divest from YouTube University, with its constantly mutating mobs of gurus, experts, life coaches, influencers, and wellness dorks.

Jun 05, 2024

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YESTERDAY, PUBLIC TELEVISION IN SEATTLE celebrated their long relationship with the now-deceased self-help writer Wayne Dyer, and to honor the author, the station was replaying one of his final talks.

The theme of his presentation eludes me. It was something about Five Steps to Something or Other, the secrets of which were contained in his then-new book. The book’s cover was the size of a refrigerator and displayed prominently behind Dyer throughout his talk.

I decided to give the show a try despite my aversion to listening to other people talk or write about ‘how’ life should be lived or experienced. (Imagine the torture I endured fashioning the title for this post).

Before the advent of the internet, this phenomenon of people advising about living was always buzzing in the background of life, but not in the florid, omnipresent way it does now.

The internet has mutated what was a boutique industry (the self-help, how-to world) into a bacchanalia of garrulous gurus and guides, with billions of bromides pinging back and forth across blogs, YouTube, and social media placards every hour.

Social media depicts a world divided into distinct camps: Those with electronic devices doing nothing and those doing nothing but writing or talking about doing stuff and then selling that information on an electronic device to people who aren’t doing anything.

While watching the PBS tribute to Wayne Dyer talking about Wayne Dyer and Wayne Dyer’s new book about doing stuff to be a better person like Wayne Dyer, my fascination and agitation landed not on Dyer but on the audience.

Because the camera periodically cut away to random pans of the crowd, I was privy to dozens of eye holes dilated in moist receptivity as Dyer spoon-fed them a list of dos and don’ts for a ‘better life.’ Their vulnerability and willingness to be told how they could improve their lives felt, well, heartbreaking.

Dyer had conveniently crafted his pointers into a list that was transformed into an illustration of a ladder with five distinct steps. And because our culture is obsessed with lists (and handymen gear like ladders), the childlike image of the scaleable apparatus remained projected behind Dyer as his proverbs tumbled forth.

Each ‘pointer’ or step on the ladder was related to Dyer’s personal existence as if I were interested. (I write this flatly, not from a place of meanspiritedness but from objective fact-sharing. I wasn't intrigued, though I'm sure many in the audience were.)

Dyer’s peculiar mix of humility and hubris was incredibly distracting. I kept thinking, “God, this is so brilliant. You missed your calling, Frederick (and million$), by not starting a church or wellness movement where people just live on Kellog’s cornflakes and Red Bull.”

And yet my eyes were dry.

Too, this interweaving of the promise of a secret to be revealed (to better oneself or reach a financial goal) with Dyer's insistent desire to give it to me was just weird.

Another thought occurred to me: When people lack a ‘long view’ of life, they lose track of the short amount of time each of us is allowed to live and participate in the symphony of life, which none of us created or are conductors of. Mystic madman G.I. Gurdjieff offered the most cogent suggestion when he told one of his students, “Your problem is that you think you have time.”

I've long suggested that no one follows the how-tos of self-help books. Books of this ilk are akin to talismans that people keep on their nightstands to remind them of something or other that is supposed to make their lives better while they continue to do what they’ve always done because, in the end, the only person anyone is interested in hearing from is themselves.

Another of Gurdjieff’s students, the writer O.R. Orage, wrote, “Imagination as we use it, is simply an excess of desire over ability.” Self-help books allow for a kind of imaginary ability that turns out to be nothing more than a hybrid form of procrastination.

This deluded state hovers in the mind for a couple of weeks, and then the book begins to gather dust on the nightstand until a new, more (seemingly) ‘me-specific’ book is discovered on YouTube or TikTok.

Finally, perhaps, maybe, you get your shit together and set the books aside, and act from your own gumption. Often, this comes via desperation or is tied in with eleventh-hour providence. But whatever: “Yay, you’re off of your ass!”

Moving about in life, creating things (or being receptive to things) takes courage, and I’m fascinated by how and why humans have lost so much courage. You can gauge the scale of this loss by tracking the bestseller status of various self-help and how-to books

So, despite what seems to be a hypocritical dichotomy, I intend to offer a spirited nudge in this post. A reminder to pay attention to the impulse to buy books (or listen incessantly to TED talks about things you should be doing) that are stand-ins for the focus required to fulfill your goals. Even if that goal means just hanging around reading books and napping while periodically working on your garden and feeding your cat.

What is the solution to escaping the tyranny of the how-to-self-help-yourself stuff? Well, if told you that you’d be in the same cycle I've outlined above. Instead, I'll offer some insights and observations that seem closer to (and are germane with) what could be considered uniquely universal but nevertheless distinct to each of us. As Aleister Crowley wrote in The Book of Thoth:

“…because each one of us has his own universe all to himself, and it is not the same as anybody else’s universe. The moon that A. sees is not the moon that B., standing by him, sees. In this case, the difference is so infinitesimal that it does not exist in practice; yet there is a difference. But if A. and B. look at a picture in a gallery, it is very much not the same picture to both, because A’s mind has been trained to observe it by his experience of thousands of other pictures; B. has probably seen an entirely different set of pictures. Their experience will coincide only in the matter of a few well-known pictures. Besides this, their minds are essentially different in many other ways. So, if A. dislikes Van Gogh, B. pities him; if C. admires Bougereau, D. shrugs his shoulders. There is no right or wrong about any matter whatsoever.”

Again, these are suggestions for you to entertain in passing, lightly. As if you caught a sign on the road out of the corner of your eye and it reminded you of something you already knew but had forgotten about.

Here goes:

• Do more of whatever inspires you. The sky’s the limit. And only you know what those subjects are. I've no other clues other than to suggest an increase. When you find yourself drawn to something in life, don’t take for granted its allure. You’re being called in a certain direction, so research and study the subject like a scientist or artist would do. Really dig into it.

The filmmaker John Waters once said something outrageous but full of truth: “Life is nothing if you’re not obsessed.” Take a bite of the apple.

• Learn astrology from someone who has studied and practiced astrology for a really long time. Notice I said learn, not “Get your horoscope read.”

Astrology, once you begin to decipher what’s actually happening within its Weltanschauung, offers up significant clues about your essential nature. These clues are like acorns that you gather together and mull over, wondering about the quality of oak trees that will grow while also planting and growing and tending the actual trees. The tree’s final expression remains a mystery, but at the minimum, you have a collection of acorns to do things with and some trees that are in various stages of development.

• Life is a wild mixture of experimentation and uncertainty. And really, that’s the nut of it. Reading about it or hearing someone talk about it will never ever quell your innate desire to conjure something within it.

When I use the word ‘essential,’ I mean it very simply. No esoteric theories or spiritual dimensions are implied (though it could be read that way if you like).

The essential within you is what’s, well, fundamental and resides in the nucleus of each of your cells, which comprise the unique animal that is you. It is of your bones, brain, heart, and blood. The essential ‘you’ was present pre-birth, through your neonatal development, post-birth, through your life, and will be present at and beyond your death. Unscathed.

The essential you is distinct from the fake or conditioned you, which is the you that self-help books are aimed at because self-help books are written from a place of generalization intermixed with the author’s narcissism. This is a bad combination because you have someone blow-harding about something that is supposed to apply to everyone when really it’s just applicable to the author—and, well, ultimately, again: Who cares?

• Again, these insights are intimations; they are not etched in stone. And besides, as soon as you feel you are stuck in a too-tight astrological box (a description of you as this or that), that means you’ve outgrown that particular representation. Something else is beginning to develop, preparing to reveal its essence. It’s an endless cycle of revelation and application.

• The planets are always moving, moving, moving. Life is evolving, evolving, evolving. Your horoscope from ten years ago has nothing to do with your horoscope right now. Align with someone who understands astrology from this perspective.

• Contemplate your death. Not in a morbid fashion, but just check in with this reality occasionally. This practice is sobering and keeps you on the right track, at the right pace, with whatever aim you set for yourself.

The ego, with its origins in childhood, thinks like a child and considers its time on Earth unlimited. It believes that everyone else will die except for you. Find out for yourself if this is true or not.

And that’s about it.

It’s fairly simple, isn’t it?

And think of the money and time you’ll save when you shelve the books and relinquish your investment into YouTube University, with its constantly mutating mobs of gurus, experts, life coaches, influencers, wellness queens, and fame whores.

Love,

How to Stop Self-Helping Yourself Into Oblivion

Time to divest from YouTube University, with its constantly mutating mobs of gurus, experts, life coaches, influencers, and wellness dorks.

Opening animated GIF by Bill Domonkos.

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