Death brings release, discursive memories and a stinging acknowledgment of one's impending mortality. Best to sit in the brew rather than trying to climb out of the retort.
A very thoughtful reflection and one with which I sympathize. The death of someone close to us, especially by surprise, does indeed offer a shock to the psyche and allows for a kind of reimprinting of one’s being. Strong psychedelic experiences can be similar in this regard as they in some ways simulate the fear of death at parts. When we are in this more malleable form after being shocked in one way or another then the opportunities to remold one’s personality and remake one’s life are endless.
Happy to help, Skye. I lost some close colleagues in 2021 and went through my own deeply traumatic experience a few months later which has now given me PTSD. It has caused me to empathize much more with others who have gone through their own painful experiences. But it has also shown me that we always have the chance to remake ourselves in a better direction than we were in before.
Thank you for responding David. I am so sorry to hear that you now suffer PTSD. I understand how this condition can impact upon people in so many ways. I trained as a Clinical Psychologist moons ago and worked with Trauma mainly from the Veterans perspective. I do honestly believe that when we really, really suffer our minds are indeed opened and we see so much more and clearly too - we embrace even “a moment in time” the smallest thing .. a kind word, a beautiful sunset .. our natural world .. and yes, when we are “stripped back and bare” we do indeed have a chance to remake ourselves in a better direction .. l learnt the true meaning of the words “humble” and “humanity” .. Thank you again - l send you my very best wishes and blessings “over the puddle”🙏🏻
I learned very early on in my condition that the term for this is "hyperarousal." At times when it's at its worst I am just overwhelmed by taking in all the details of the moment. I won't be able to ignore the wood paneling in the cabinets, the colors of random things around the room will get so vivid. Every ache and pain in my body will become so much more noticeable. The ticking of the clock so loud and hard to ignore. But then that also applies in the macro sense too - I won't be able to ignore painful details in global political events and our oh-so-broken American culture.
I hope you start up your own substack soon! I'd be very interested to read more of your insights.
You've got a good mind Frederick, and a heart, too. My mother died many years ago, at 93. I'm 80, so reading what you wrote, I felt a pang of remorse... I do feel alone now as I mature, then when she died. See; I wasn't a friend of hers. So, I've been on the road this last two years, writing and being alone... something good for me. And I've been asking forgiveness. And I remember how she loved me. And I'd like another chance please...
Meanwhile I'm discovering just how dangerous some of us can be to ourselves; another story for another day. Keep up what you're doin' and you're right about religion... stick with yourself. Fuzz
Mother dead a month before 12th birthday, father five years later. No satisfaction with spiritual teachings. A great awareness that my experience was my teacher and companion and I placed my trust there. Sending love. I felt it even through the rocky terrain.
I have just finished reading your essay David - have left comment. It was an enormously insightful and hugely inspiring piece of work and a joy to read. Managing day to day living, socialisation and healing appears to be a challenge you readily accept. Hyper vigilance can, if used in combination with acceptance of limitations be an enormously powerful tool to adopt when attempting to move forward leaving states of high anxiety on one side. To be suffering PTSD at this time when our world and much that we took for granted as secure, solid and grounded is no longer in place will without doubt place further perceived pressures upon you. Chaos is a state that, amongst many other psychological warfare tactics is a challenging one to navigate .. staying grounded, positive and “whole” will require considerable strength and determination which, having only read a small sample of your work, l believe you truly do have within you. I feel blessed to have “met” you and privileged that you felt able to share your personal feelings and emotions. Thank you 🙏🏻
My father is in hospice right, he suffered from Alzheimer’s for a long time. I grieved when he forgot me, grieved when he went to memory care and now grieving the end. I feel I am a million places at once, relief, dread, sadness, happy as he wouldn’t have wanted one shred of this. They say to ‘lean into’ these uncomfortable feelings, I know/don’t know what that means. But I do know my psyche is whipped the fuck up, we are expansive as humans and ultimately consciousness. It’s only a death for those of us who are left, with our limited thoughts of what might be on the other side. I found this email and Pema quote helpful. Thank you.
I love Chödrön’. It brings to mind the process of the Goddess of Never Not Broken, Akhilandeshvari. Thank you for the share which has brought clarification for me about Akhilandeshvari.
Although my baby daughter died suddenly several decades ago, I still recall the unexpected-going the extra mile-kindness of friends and strangers at that time. That taught me things I needed to learn and which have influenced my social relationships and actions ever since.
how i effing love the sugar honey iced tea out of your posts!!! your references and quotes alone are swoon worthy. your insights, thought provoking and well stated. accorded to aristotle, 'memory is the scribe of the soul.' and to shakespeare, 'expectation is the root cause of all heartache.' to you i say thank you ~ for bringing the real and keeping me engaged (and so eloquently!) every time. keep it coming because '...the answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind...' (thank you, bob). with gratitude and sending blessings, g.
The Chödrön quote evokes a daily need to appreciate one has everything needed here and now, regardless of circumstances, unless we let our consciousness be dominated by demands and expectations based on the past or the imagined future.
thank you for the beautiful excerpt - it was just about what I needed to read today. and yes, you learn to live with grief - it never really truly goes away.
"Practice dying" has been one of my many mantras for around half a century. I have long kept a journal of quotes about grief and dying, mainly as a resource for my two adult children when I die. Along with Pema Chodron's wisdom, Jeff Foster's perceptions, below, keep me balancing on that razor's edge of grieving and living.
'You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will go. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent is impermanent and will be smashed.
Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away. Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.
'But right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realizing this is the key to unspeakable joy. Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you.
This may sound trivial, obvious, like nothing, but really it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence. Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.
'Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar.'
; jeff foster's spirit is with you as you share the beauty of his words. this will ripple out and reverberate/resonate with so many as it has with you and me. blessings to you from my <3, g.
Yes 🙌 I had the honor of meeting Pema Chodron a number of years ago and her writing is incredible. Her spoken words are brilliant. I’ve been falling all my life and started leaving behind the anticipation of things I cannot predict. It gets easier with time. The only thing we can change is how we perceive a situation. 🙏
In my early 30s I was having serious health issues. It wasn't bad health so much, it was chronic pain. I ended up bedridden for over 3 months. This was what I called a "deconstruction". I learned how much of life is completely out of my control. I learned to just be.
I'm not perfect at it🙄😂 But giving myself room to feel my feels, think my thoughts, and just see what happens next has been an unexpected positive from a seriously crappy negative.
I'm in the middle of another problem with my pain management. Totally beyond my control. I'm not stressed about it, or worrying what will happen... I hope it's resolved soon, but I'm not trying to force it.
I've not yet lost anyone super close to me. I don't know how or if that experience will differ from my deconstruction. I think we all have to find our answers within ourselves. Teachers and guides may assist, but our life journey is ours to figure out.🤷🏼♀️
Thank you Frederick, as always, for using your words to send me on a Thought Journey 💕
Thanks Angie. Gurdjieff mentioned that health issues are often the greatest oportunities for doing one's 'inner work.' Sounds like you caught that vibe.
Despite all of the books written about grieving, how to grieve, the states of grief, etc. everyone's experience of grief is unique to them. After the idea of death, grief is the second most puzzling concept on the planet. Well, maybe the third, life is as mysterious as death. And there we go toggling between the three all of the time.
Quote of the day: “I think that so much of experience is knowingness and total unknowingness in alternation.” —Rachel Kushner
When my brother died unexpectedly, I distinctly remember walking out the door and completely loosing my balance. I struggled to walk, the ground felt foreign, and I was surrounded with a familiar place I had no idea how to navigate. If that’s what shock did to my physical body, I can only imagine the depths it plunged in my soul. It took a very long time to process.
Yes. And after the fact it's such a fascinating experience to contemplate. Seeing how the forces that keep us alive do what they need to do while we are shocked, and then how we recover and regain our balance and move forward. Thank you for this Tiffany.
Frederick, I stumbled across an article of yours about the tyranny of self help not too long ago and I really appreciate your work. Everything I have read is interesting and thought provoking.
I resonated with your words so much. I have been struggling with this as well. In the past few years, I have been heavily engaged in a spiritual quest to better understand myself. I have, however, been getting this constant nudge to stop relying on outside information because the more I read about other people's opinions, the more I internalise their aforementioned concepts. In turn, this took me away from my own truth and instead of gaining clarity about myself, I became a jumbled mess based on other people's ideas. And now once again I have to begin this journey of de-conditioning.
I'm of two minds (who isn't). But what I mean is, I see the value of having teachers. And then I see the value of moving on from teachers. More of a necessity at some point.
One isn't ever totally his or herself or themselves until that final movement is taken. Severance as an art.
All old people are orphans. When the parents are gone, you are next. This truth got into my head when I was 32 years old. My parents died in their 50s, six weeks apart.
I was happy when the old forking witch died because she was mean as a snake... And I was happy for her because her awful agony in life was done. I was frustrated because my father decided to follow her so quickly that I didn't have a chance to keep him for myself.
They had their dance together and I was never meant to be a part of it. My part was to observe. Over the years, I spit nails, refuted, condemned and cursed them. Oh, and I blamed them for stuff. Lots of blame. Lots of stuff.
Over the past 40 years of being an orphan I have come to know that those who spawned me were my springboard to the present. And my present is cool and collected, so thank you, spawners, wherever you are!
There are many stories in the Naked City and this is just one of them!
Reading it made me flash on this from Nisargadatta:
“After all, what is there to remember? A flow of events, mostly accidental and meaningless. A sequence of desires and fears and inane blunders. Is there anything worth remembering? The person is but a shell imprisoning you. Break the shell.”
A very thoughtful reflection and one with which I sympathize. The death of someone close to us, especially by surprise, does indeed offer a shock to the psyche and allows for a kind of reimprinting of one’s being. Strong psychedelic experiences can be similar in this regard as they in some ways simulate the fear of death at parts. When we are in this more malleable form after being shocked in one way or another then the opportunities to remold one’s personality and remake one’s life are endless.
A beautiful and thoughtful response, thank you David .. l will think on ..
Happy to help, Skye. I lost some close colleagues in 2021 and went through my own deeply traumatic experience a few months later which has now given me PTSD. It has caused me to empathize much more with others who have gone through their own painful experiences. But it has also shown me that we always have the chance to remake ourselves in a better direction than we were in before.
Thank you for responding David. I am so sorry to hear that you now suffer PTSD. I understand how this condition can impact upon people in so many ways. I trained as a Clinical Psychologist moons ago and worked with Trauma mainly from the Veterans perspective. I do honestly believe that when we really, really suffer our minds are indeed opened and we see so much more and clearly too - we embrace even “a moment in time” the smallest thing .. a kind word, a beautiful sunset .. our natural world .. and yes, when we are “stripped back and bare” we do indeed have a chance to remake ourselves in a better direction .. l learnt the true meaning of the words “humble” and “humanity” .. Thank you again - l send you my very best wishes and blessings “over the puddle”🙏🏻
Appreciations for the kind wishes from the other side of the ocean! I know exactly what you're talking about and wrote about it in this essay here at my own substack: https://godofthedesert.substack.com/p/how-my-traumas-have-so-transformed?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
I learned very early on in my condition that the term for this is "hyperarousal." At times when it's at its worst I am just overwhelmed by taking in all the details of the moment. I won't be able to ignore the wood paneling in the cabinets, the colors of random things around the room will get so vivid. Every ache and pain in my body will become so much more noticeable. The ticking of the clock so loud and hard to ignore. But then that also applies in the macro sense too - I won't be able to ignore painful details in global political events and our oh-so-broken American culture.
I hope you start up your own substack soon! I'd be very interested to read more of your insights.
You've got a good mind Frederick, and a heart, too. My mother died many years ago, at 93. I'm 80, so reading what you wrote, I felt a pang of remorse... I do feel alone now as I mature, then when she died. See; I wasn't a friend of hers. So, I've been on the road this last two years, writing and being alone... something good for me. And I've been asking forgiveness. And I remember how she loved me. And I'd like another chance please...
Meanwhile I'm discovering just how dangerous some of us can be to ourselves; another story for another day. Keep up what you're doin' and you're right about religion... stick with yourself. Fuzz
Mother dead a month before 12th birthday, father five years later. No satisfaction with spiritual teachings. A great awareness that my experience was my teacher and companion and I placed my trust there. Sending love. I felt it even through the rocky terrain.
Thanks for your post.
I have just finished reading your essay David - have left comment. It was an enormously insightful and hugely inspiring piece of work and a joy to read. Managing day to day living, socialisation and healing appears to be a challenge you readily accept. Hyper vigilance can, if used in combination with acceptance of limitations be an enormously powerful tool to adopt when attempting to move forward leaving states of high anxiety on one side. To be suffering PTSD at this time when our world and much that we took for granted as secure, solid and grounded is no longer in place will without doubt place further perceived pressures upon you. Chaos is a state that, amongst many other psychological warfare tactics is a challenging one to navigate .. staying grounded, positive and “whole” will require considerable strength and determination which, having only read a small sample of your work, l believe you truly do have within you. I feel blessed to have “met” you and privileged that you felt able to share your personal feelings and emotions. Thank you 🙏🏻
My father is in hospice right, he suffered from Alzheimer’s for a long time. I grieved when he forgot me, grieved when he went to memory care and now grieving the end. I feel I am a million places at once, relief, dread, sadness, happy as he wouldn’t have wanted one shred of this. They say to ‘lean into’ these uncomfortable feelings, I know/don’t know what that means. But I do know my psyche is whipped the fuck up, we are expansive as humans and ultimately consciousness. It’s only a death for those of us who are left, with our limited thoughts of what might be on the other side. I found this email and Pema quote helpful. Thank you.
I love Chödrön’. It brings to mind the process of the Goddess of Never Not Broken, Akhilandeshvari. Thank you for the share which has brought clarification for me about Akhilandeshvari.
Although my baby daughter died suddenly several decades ago, I still recall the unexpected-going the extra mile-kindness of friends and strangers at that time. That taught me things I needed to learn and which have influenced my social relationships and actions ever since.
how i effing love the sugar honey iced tea out of your posts!!! your references and quotes alone are swoon worthy. your insights, thought provoking and well stated. accorded to aristotle, 'memory is the scribe of the soul.' and to shakespeare, 'expectation is the root cause of all heartache.' to you i say thank you ~ for bringing the real and keeping me engaged (and so eloquently!) every time. keep it coming because '...the answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind...' (thank you, bob). with gratitude and sending blessings, g.
This made my morning Luna. Thank you!
Compelling essay.
The Chödrön quote evokes a daily need to appreciate one has everything needed here and now, regardless of circumstances, unless we let our consciousness be dominated by demands and expectations based on the past or the imagined future.
Easy for me to say, a white male in the US. If my features, skin or gender were different so might be my attitude.
thank you for the beautiful excerpt - it was just about what I needed to read today. and yes, you learn to live with grief - it never really truly goes away.
"Practice dying" has been one of my many mantras for around half a century. I have long kept a journal of quotes about grief and dying, mainly as a resource for my two adult children when I die. Along with Pema Chodron's wisdom, Jeff Foster's perceptions, below, keep me balancing on that razor's edge of grieving and living.
'You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will go. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent is impermanent and will be smashed.
Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away. Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.
'But right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realizing this is the key to unspeakable joy. Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you.
This may sound trivial, obvious, like nothing, but really it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence. Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.
'Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar.'
This blew my mind this morning. Thank you Cynthia. ♥️
; jeff foster's spirit is with you as you share the beauty of his words. this will ripple out and reverberate/resonate with so many as it has with you and me. blessings to you from my <3, g.
Yes 🙌 I had the honor of meeting Pema Chodron a number of years ago and her writing is incredible. Her spoken words are brilliant. I’ve been falling all my life and started leaving behind the anticipation of things I cannot predict. It gets easier with time. The only thing we can change is how we perceive a situation. 🙏
In my early 30s I was having serious health issues. It wasn't bad health so much, it was chronic pain. I ended up bedridden for over 3 months. This was what I called a "deconstruction". I learned how much of life is completely out of my control. I learned to just be.
I'm not perfect at it🙄😂 But giving myself room to feel my feels, think my thoughts, and just see what happens next has been an unexpected positive from a seriously crappy negative.
I'm in the middle of another problem with my pain management. Totally beyond my control. I'm not stressed about it, or worrying what will happen... I hope it's resolved soon, but I'm not trying to force it.
I've not yet lost anyone super close to me. I don't know how or if that experience will differ from my deconstruction. I think we all have to find our answers within ourselves. Teachers and guides may assist, but our life journey is ours to figure out.🤷🏼♀️
Thank you Frederick, as always, for using your words to send me on a Thought Journey 💕
Thanks Angie. Gurdjieff mentioned that health issues are often the greatest oportunities for doing one's 'inner work.' Sounds like you caught that vibe.
Despite all of the books written about grieving, how to grieve, the states of grief, etc. everyone's experience of grief is unique to them. After the idea of death, grief is the second most puzzling concept on the planet. Well, maybe the third, life is as mysterious as death. And there we go toggling between the three all of the time.
Quote of the day: “I think that so much of experience is knowingness and total unknowingness in alternation.” —Rachel Kushner
When my brother died unexpectedly, I distinctly remember walking out the door and completely loosing my balance. I struggled to walk, the ground felt foreign, and I was surrounded with a familiar place I had no idea how to navigate. If that’s what shock did to my physical body, I can only imagine the depths it plunged in my soul. It took a very long time to process.
Yes. And after the fact it's such a fascinating experience to contemplate. Seeing how the forces that keep us alive do what they need to do while we are shocked, and then how we recover and regain our balance and move forward. Thank you for this Tiffany.
Frederick, I stumbled across an article of yours about the tyranny of self help not too long ago and I really appreciate your work. Everything I have read is interesting and thought provoking.
I resonated with your words so much. I have been struggling with this as well. In the past few years, I have been heavily engaged in a spiritual quest to better understand myself. I have, however, been getting this constant nudge to stop relying on outside information because the more I read about other people's opinions, the more I internalise their aforementioned concepts. In turn, this took me away from my own truth and instead of gaining clarity about myself, I became a jumbled mess based on other people's ideas. And now once again I have to begin this journey of de-conditioning.
It's a peculiar dance Priya.
I'm of two minds (who isn't). But what I mean is, I see the value of having teachers. And then I see the value of moving on from teachers. More of a necessity at some point.
One isn't ever totally his or herself or themselves until that final movement is taken. Severance as an art.
Thank you for articulating your experience.
Ah! Yes! Aptly put. Acknowledging the learnings but moving on to find a new path. I appreciate your comment. Thanks!
All old people are orphans. When the parents are gone, you are next. This truth got into my head when I was 32 years old. My parents died in their 50s, six weeks apart.
I was happy when the old forking witch died because she was mean as a snake... And I was happy for her because her awful agony in life was done. I was frustrated because my father decided to follow her so quickly that I didn't have a chance to keep him for myself.
They had their dance together and I was never meant to be a part of it. My part was to observe. Over the years, I spit nails, refuted, condemned and cursed them. Oh, and I blamed them for stuff. Lots of blame. Lots of stuff.
Over the past 40 years of being an orphan I have come to know that those who spawned me were my springboard to the present. And my present is cool and collected, so thank you, spawners, wherever you are!
There are many stories in the Naked City and this is just one of them!
♥️ Thanks for this JS.
Reading it made me flash on this from Nisargadatta:
“After all, what is there to remember? A flow of events, mostly accidental and meaningless. A sequence of desires and fears and inane blunders. Is there anything worth remembering? The person is but a shell imprisoning you. Break the shell.”